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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23571787">smiling for you</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/shinenct/pseuds/shinenct'>shinenct</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>NCT (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Crying, Depression, Idols, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan-centric, Mental Breakdown, Other, Sad, Sad Lee Donghyuck | Haechan, Smile, Worry</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-04-10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-04-10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 20:33:03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,342</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23571787</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/shinenct/pseuds/shinenct</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>"i have to smile"</p><p>or</p><p>donghyuck trying to hide his pain with a smile</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Everyone</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>178</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. smiling behind the pain</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><br/>it was another night of tedious dance training.</p><p>"lets go!" donghyuck shouted energetically as they entered the last chorus of their latest comeback song "kick it".</p><p>they finished up the last move of the song and all of them practically crumbled onto the ground with sweat trickling down their foreheads, panting heavily. donghyuck, being the affectionate maknae, had made it a point to walk around to give words of encouragement to all of his hyungs, telling them they did well.</p><p>"alright guys, lets call it a day"</p><p>everyone heaved a sigh of relief, too tired to move a limb. they all quickly went to gather their things as they got ready to leave. but, just as donghyuck was getting his bag he overhears "donghyuck's screams during practice is so annoying really"</p><p>he peeked and saw yuta and jaehyun talking.</p><p>"just get used to it haha" jaehyun patted yuta shoulder before walking away.</p><p>donghyuck felt a sharp pain in his heart and his placed his hand above it, squeezing it tightly</p><p>he felt tears welling up in his eyes and he quicky ran to thr bathroom just making it in an empty cubicle before they all fully fell and streamed down his sweat-stained face. he didnt even realise that he was in his own world for around 5 minutes until he was rudely interrupted.</p><p>"donghyuck-ah where are you? we are leaving already!"</p><p>"im coming doyoung hyung" he tired to sound normal</p><p>donghyuck scrambled to stand up and quickly splashed some water on his face hoping that it could hide the evidence of his breakdown just a minute ago. He flashed a smile towards the mirror before walking out as if nothing happened.</p><p><b>"thats right donghyuck, smile for hyungs</b>."</p><p>
  <em>timeskip: 1 month later</em>
</p><p>during the month, there were so many instances of donghyuck just breaking down but did he ever tell his hyungs? no, he just hid it with his cheerful behaviour</p><p>sometimes he honestly really didnt know why he felt that way or why he was just constantly crying, that emptiness constantly pooling at the bottom of his heart.</p><p>a part of him so desperately wanted this feeling to stop. he wanted to smile (a real one) again, he wanted to laugh freely. but a part of him didnt want that either. maybe its fear? the fear of getting better and being happy again. he didnt know what was going to happen.</p><p>all he knew that he was not okay and scared.</p><p>they had just came back from an interview and donghyuck was exhausted.</p><p>mostly exhausted from putting up a fake smile all day.</p><p>from the morning, his mood wasn't the best. yet he still had to act as the full sun he was as he did not want to worry hyungs and fans.</p><p>he spent his day laughing, smiling and being clingy to hyungs, getting rejected by them, but deep down he could feel his heart aching. he could not wait to get home.</p><p>finally, they arrived home after the long day. donghyuck went straight for his room without even cleaning up or saying good night.</p><p>he shut his door and went to his bed surrounding himself with pillows and blankets. he couldn't take it anymore.</p><p>he felt all the emotions rush straight into his heart. his troat choked up as he felt his tears pooling around his eyes, threatening to fall. he blinked and the tears started falling like a never ending waterfall.</p><p>thank god he had his own room.</p><p>donghyuck slapped himself while crying his head being a mess. "why are you crying? you cant cry" "you are suppose to be the full sun, the strong maknae" "you arent allowed to cry" "you have to be strong for hyungs"</p><p>donghyuck's mind got flooded with all the voices criticizing him for crying. donghyuck covered his ears as he rocked back and forth on his bed. "please stop please" he whispered to himself. "please".</p><p>1 hour... 2 hours...3 hours...4 hours... 5 hours...</p><p>donghyuck tears had stopped by the 2nd hour. he probably cried all of them out by then. however, the voices tormented him. he rolled around his bed trying to get them out of his head as they scolded him for crying and told him he didnt deserve to sleep.</p><p>by the 5th hour, he had given up and went to wash his face and get ready for his day. 7.21 am they were bound to wake up anyways.</p><p>he looked up in the mirror. he saw his slightly swollen and puffy eyes (he would have to wear glasses to hide it later), his dark eye circles that stood out even with his tan skin, and his hollow cheeks as he lost weight everyday. damm he looked like shit.</p><p>suddenly,he checked the time on his phone, 8am?! gosh he had been in the bathroom for 30min without even knowing, which meant most would haven woken up. he walked out of the bathroom and to the kitchen only to see doyoung hyung cooking breakfast.</p><p>"morning hyung" he said as he rubbed his eyes tiredly due to the lack of sleep.</p><p>"morning hyuck- oh my gosh you look like shit did you sleep?"</p><p>"not really, i couldnt sleep"</p><p>doyoung sighed as he looked at donghyuck. "are you okay hyuck? you seem tired these days. you know, if you are going through difficulties you can always tell us right?"</p><p>donghyuck froze. how did doyoung see through him? he quickly made up some excuse "no its fine hyung, just that my nose kept me up, im okay really dont need to worry" donghyuck said as a smile flashed on his face to reassure his hyung.</p><p>doyoung looked at him worriedly for another few seconds, sighing heavily before continuing his cooking. they had a busy day ahead of them and the least he could do was worry his hyungs.</p><p>so, they had weekly idol filming, music bank, and he had a 5 hour practice with dream. "i can do this"</p><p>in fact no he couldn't.</p><p>they were not even halfway through their weekly idol shoot and he was already mentally and physically exhausted. exhausted due to the lack of sleep and also faking smiles.</p><p>he eventually gave up and started to be more and more quiet in the shoot. they were trying to find the names of song on the floor.</p><p>usually, donghyuck would have been energetic, snatching songs right out of his hyungs' hands, running around to get to right answer, winning all the games. but that wasnt the donghyuck now.</p><p>donghyuck was tired. he just lazed around, quietly picking up some songs, minding his own business. he thought that he had done well in getting away from the public eye. until, " haechan-ah, you have been really quiet today" doni pointed out.</p><p>suddenly, all the attention was on him. he quickly made up with some excuse saying that he was letting the others be funny and tried to crack jokes to divert the attention. "hahaha, im just letting hyungs be more funny than me, you know they need some screen time too haha"</p><p>well that was awkward. that was a way that he would NEVER answer. he probably had just blown his cover.</p><p>well, he thoughts have been proven true as after filming ended, he could practically feel everyone's eyes on him. he pretended not to know about it and ignored all of their stares completely. he pretended to sleep in the car but could still feel all the stares.it remained this way till they reached music bank.</p><p>music bank was relatively okay, excluding the small talk he had with taeyong and mark. "you are okay right? dont be too hard on yourself okay?" taeyomg and mark said with concern in their eyes, which he quickly dismissed with a "im fine, just wasnt able to sleep"</p><p>during dream practice, he could finally be himself, he didnt need to smile for a camera or laugh for the fans. he was just donghyuck. he focused on training occassionally laughing at some of the others mistakes.</p><p>dream is and has always been a comfort place for him where he never needed to worry about worrying others and could just be himself. safe to say, he could at least feel a tinge of happiness with those boys</p><p>it was so relieving from all the other schedules he had that day. and he didnt want it to end</p><p>but of course good things all come to an end. soon, practice had already ended and he was making his way to 127 dorms. he looked up the night sky amd smiled to himself for surving yet another tough day. he didnt know how many more of these he could survive through.</p><p>well once again like a routine, when he crashed into his bed, his emotions finally caught up with him as he felt his tears dripping down again before he could stop them again. gosh he didnt want this.</p><p>he shook terribly as he cried and cried letting his pent up frustration out. he felt pathetic honestly. it was as if the world hated him and wanted him to be miserable. he didnt even know why he felt this way. he doesnt know what caused it. he had everything. but still was curled up in a ball crying at 3am every night.  but he knew better to tell anyone, he simply just convinved himself that he had to just ignore it and be strong.</p><p>for his hyungs and for himself.</p><p>he cant be a burden anymore.</p><p></p><div>
  <p>
    <b>"i have to keep smiling for hyungs"</b>
  </p>
</div><p> </p><p>
  <br/>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. i cant take this anymore</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>donghyuck gets help</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>it takes one night for him to eventually be found out.</p><p>donghyuck was once again huddled up in his blankets on his bed. that day was probably one of the worst day he experienced. he had caught a serious flu and was told to stay at home.</p><p>he knew he was home alone as everyone had schedules to go to.</p><p>thats when it hit.</p><p>he started thinking about how useless he was, falling sick at the most important time and was just being a burden to others. he was so useless. all the hyung were working hard and what was he doing? crying in bed</p><p>he rocked on his bed as the tears streamed down his face. he started sobbing uncontrollably as he felt his throat choke up and nose being blocked.</p><p>suddenly, he felt a hand wrapped around his shoulder patting him, attempting to calm him down. donghyuck looked up and saw mark looking at him worriedly. mark whispered small words of encouragement as he pulled donghyuck into a warm hug</p><p>he had been so caught up by himself he didn't even hear the door open. "shit, im screwed" donghyuck thought.</p><p>only after donghyuck had calmed down did mark ask the question.</p><p>"hyuck-ah are you ok? why are you crying?"</p><p>mark's voice was laced with concern as he rubbed donghyuck's back encouragingly.</p><p>donghyuck didn't know how to react. he did not know if he should confess about how he has been feeling for the past few months or if he should have just hid it.</p><p>in the end, donghyuck was too tired to hide it anymore. it was time someone found out anyways.</p><p>donghyuck said shakingly "get ready it-its a l-long story... s-so a few m-months a-ago..." he told mark everything.</p><p>from how he faked a smile, to how he cried every night to how the voices terrorized and to how he could never sleep at night no matter how tired he was.</p><p>mark listened to every word donghyuck said carefully before coming to a decision.</p><p>"hyuck-ah listen, i think its its  if we told taeyong-hyung so that you can get professional help. you have suffered long enough. do this for me alright?"</p><p>donghyuck was reluctant at first. however, seeing mark's desperate eyes he agreed.</p><p>they cuddled each other as mark whispered words of comfort to donghyuck every now and then before both of them eventually drifted off to sleep.</p><p>recovery was never easy.</p><p>the process of even telling taeyong was so difficult already. mark had to persuade donghyuck so many times and calm him down from the numerous panic attacks he had before eventually telling taeyong.</p><p>the moment taeyong found out, he hugged the younger and told him that he did such a good job by telling him and that everything was going to fine.</p><p>donghyuck smiled. a real one. for the first time in a while.</p><p>they visited the psychologist where donghyuck had to first go through a diagnosis. he talked to the psychologist with mark my his side all the time, holding his hand for comfort and encouragement.</p><p>donghyuck got diagnosed with depression and insomnia and he decided to take time off from NCT to properly recover.</p><p>fans were shocked and saddened by the sudden news of his hiatus. however, the moment they found out the reason, they all offered donghyuck with their word of encouragement, hoping for a speedy recovery. even non-fans chipped in and supported donghyuck.</p><p>donghyuck saw all the support he was getting and it made him genuinely happy. he finally felt loved.</p><p>donghyuck went for therapy lessons consistently and also had the help of his hyungs to always make him feel better. recovery was never an easy process and there were so many times where donghyuck regressed back to his old ways.</p><p>but thanks to all the support he got, from the fans, from his hyungs ,from his idol friends, he knew he could do it. sure it would take time, but for all of them, he was willing to try and fight.</p><p>and sure enough, he succeeded. it was a long and tiring fight. but he did it and that was all that mattered.</p><p>finally, after half a year, here he stands on stage, more confident and way happier.</p><p><b>"hello im lee donghyuck also known as haechan, and im happy to be back"</b> <b>he said with a huge smile on his face as they got ready to perform their first song of the concert.</b></p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>this is an alternative ending</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>thanks for reading hope you guys enjoyed!!</p><p>edit: omg 2k thanks!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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